The Harmony of Giving and Receiving: Breaking Free from the Cycle of Overfunctioning
“The danger of tying your self-worth to being a helper is feeling shame when you have to ask for help. Offering help is courageous and compassionate, but so is asking for help.”
Recently, a dear friend found herself in a perfect storm of overwhelm. Her husband was unexpectedly hospitalized, leaving her to manage everything—work emergencies, a call from the school nurse, the household responsibilities, school and social obligations—all while facing the emotional weight of uncertainty about her husband's condition.
As a person who consistently meets everyone else's needs and rarely asks for help, she found herself paralyzed. Not by the tasks themselves, but by the inability to decide what she could let go of and how to ask for what she needed.
Sound familiar?
When Caring Becomes People Pleasing
In my six years of coaching practice, I've noticed something consistent: while few of my clients face such acute crises as a hospitalization, many live in a chronic state of overfunctioning and people pleasing.
Day after day, they:
Fill their calendars with obligations to care for others, in their professional and personal lives
Put their own needs, dreams, and desires on permanent hold
Feel secretly resentful that no one is taking care of them
Don't feel worthy or permitted to ask others for help
Believe self-sacrifice is the only path to worthiness and love
This pattern doesn't create the harmony and connection you deeply desire. Instead, it creates imbalance—a one-way flow of energy that eventually leaves you depleted, resentful, and disconnected from your own joy.
The Permission Paradox
What I've observed across so many women's experiences is a "permission paradox":
We freely give others permission to need, to rest, to be supported—yet we deny ourselves that same compassion.
When my friend was in crisis last weekend, what she needed most wasn't someone to wash her dishes (though we did that too). What she needed most was permission—permission to:
Say no to non-essential obligations
Let some things fall through the cracks
Ask directly for what she needed
Allow herself to be supported without guilt
Focus solely on what truly mattered: her husband and daughter
Watching her receive this permission was like witnessing someone a deep breath after holding it for too long.
The Nervous System Connection
This pattern of pleasing isn't just a behavioral habit—it can get wired into our nervous systems as a protection mechanism.
There's often a deeper emotional story living in our bodies:
"I am only worthy if I'm useful."
"If I don't take care of everyone, I won't be loved."
"My needs aren't as important as others' needs."
This nervous system pattern drives us to continually give without receiving, creating an unsustainable imbalance that eventually leads to burnout, resentment, or crisis.
Finding Your Way Back to Balance
True harmony comes from reciprocity—the balanced exchange of giving and receiving. Here's how to begin restoring that balance:
1. Notice when you're over-extending yourself
Awareness is the first step. Pay attention to when you're taking on too much responsibility, saying yes when you want to say no, or ignoring your own needs.
Reflection question: What physical sensations arise when you're overfunctioning? Tension in your shoulders? Tightness in your chest? Let your body be your guide. What is she saying to you?
2. Give yourself permission to desire
Before figuring out how to meet your needs, allow yourself to simply name what they are. What do you desire? What would bring you joy? What support would feel nourishing?
In 1-on-1 coaching the question I teach my clients is “what do I need right now?” Checking in with your needs and being able to name them is essential. And sadly is an area many women are disconnected from.
In Ishtara embodiment practice, after alchemizing through movement we end with naming and claiming our desires. We are deliberately connecting to and cultivating the creative force within ourselves.
Reflection question: If you had complete permission to ask for anything right now, what would it be?
3. Practice receiving
Receiving can feel vulnerable when you're used to being the giver. Start small—accept a compliment fully, ask for help with a simple task, or allow someone to support you emotionally without immediately reciprocating.
Reflection question: What makes receiving difficult for you? What beliefs arise when someone offers you support?
4. Build your worthiness muscle
This forms the foundation of our coaching work: reconnecting you with your inherent worthiness. This isn't something earned through endless giving—it already belongs to you.
In our Ishtara practice, we embody this truth, experiencing it on a cellular level rather than just intellectually understanding it.
Reflection question: Can you identify one area where you can practice feeling worthy without having to do anything to earn it?
The Richness of True Community
When we move from overfunctioning to balanced reciprocity, something beautiful happens. We create that true community and connection we long for—where giving and receiving flow naturally, where vulnerability is met with support, and where each person's needs are honored.
This is the essence of harmony. Not perfect balance at every moment, but a dance of giving and receiving that honors the humanity in all of us.
My friend's crisis became a powerful teacher. She discovered that asking for help didn't diminish her—it created space for deeper connection. The friends who supported her felt genuinely honored to be trusted with her vulnerability.
And perhaps most importantly, she began to recognize that her worth wasn't tied to her ability to do everything for everyone. She was just as worthy to receive help. Even with her husband out of the hospital and his health improving, I am hopeful she will continue to build this muscle of balanced reciprocity.
I invite you to consider: What might shift in your life if you gave yourself permission not just to care for others, but to be cared for? What kind of harmony might emerge if both giving and receiving became part of your daily practice?
The answer lies in that beautiful, imperfect balance—the balance we cultivate together in both our one-on-one coaching and our Ishtara practice, where your body learns to trust that you are worthy of receiving just as much as you give.
If you recognize yourself in this pattern of people pleasing and want support in creating more balance and harmony in your life, I'd love to connect.
Schedule a free coaching consultation today.
Together, we can explore how to honor your needs and desires for more while still showing up with love for others. They are not mutually exclusive!